Hi there.

It was a bit chilly this morning so I hoped you bundled up before you stepped outside. I know I did, because I threw on that gray sweater that you’ve been holding on to this entire time. It had been covered in your smell, from the sleeves, to the body and even the collar of the sweater. I was an unique smella that i can only recognized as yours. I’ve told you this before, but it is true that this smell you have is a mix of autumn leaves and lavender pedals. It’s a comforting smell that brings with it a rush of emotions and memories that circle back and forth in my head. One particular memory that surfaces is all those times we spent embraced in each others arms. Your head tucked under my chin and nuzzled into my chest. The weight of your body gentle pressed against mine. On cold days like today, that’s all I can think about. It may be a lonely autumn and winter, but im optimistic that in the future I will be able to feel the weight of my world on my chest again.

The plan… the memories… all in one shot… lets pray that this works. 

it becomes more realistic each and every day. and as more time passes i feel like im losing my grip on you. i saw you today, we chatted for a bit, and deep down there was the wishful feeling that you would accept my date. but who am i to kid… thats why they call it wishful. your expressions today was neutral, there wasnt a ounce of happiness inside of you. i dont know if that is because youre still living the aftermath of our current situation or because you saw the way i felt. probably the first. i would be lying if i told you that i was okay. this is worst type of feeling this world has ever created. it feels like a mix abandonment and with no possible way of getting out of the situation. its even harder knowing that there is so much going on in the background that still connects us two, but knowing that you have to cut these ties off becomes a reminder that this is all real. i cannot explain to you that every dream ive had has been an invisioned universe where youre still there, but im chasing you and bearing no fruit. its time like these where it would a lot easier to just leave everything…and everyone you know behind. its hitting hard everyday knowing we will never be back together. i cannot remember the last time i smiled… realism is making this a whole lot worst.

this entire day, i have just been reminiscing about you and about our past. there were many times i have felt that ive couldve gone a different direction. maybe should have been more fun or more out going. i shouldve listened more to your ideas and be more willing to try things out. who am i, to always want to ask for a compelling reason. why couldnt i have just said yes. our lives would been more fun. i hate that i played the part of a realist. and because of that our ideas diverged and i was too stubborn to really take into consideration of your thoughts and plan. why was i always looking for one answer when we couldve spent more time collaborating and sharing our thoughts. i now realise that my realistic ideals were not so ideal afterall. im sorry it took me four years to finally understand, but now i know and if i truly deserve this second chance… then please know that i will be a new person. admitting is the first step, reconstructing is the next.

i was certain we were meant to be. 

I was certain we would be beside each other forever

But now i’ve lost you, and with it, my future